“Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there’s one place to confront the nation’s wealthiest 1 percent, it’s the subway.” – Conan O’Brien
“New York City police went into Zuccotti Park in a midnight raid, and the mayor rode in on his pet Chihuahua. … No more sleeping or no camping in New York City parks. Hooker, crack dealers, not a problem.” – David Letterman
“Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don’t we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We’re not using them.” – Jay Leno
“Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president’s salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, ‘What do I care? It’s not like it’ll affect me!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be ‘Rocky Road.’ I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream. He’s just the brain freeze part.” – Jimmy Fallon
“People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.” – Jay Leno
“Cain’s only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is in Australia. When he’s in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last week President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he’s in Australia. Next week he’s in Indonesia. I think he watched the Republican debates and went, ‘This is going to be a piece of cake,’ and went on vacation” – Craig Ferguson
