“President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn’t look like his insurance company is going to pay for it.” –Jay Leno
“Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor’s office while he was trying to get the vice president’s foot out of his mouth.” –Jay Leno
“Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.” –David Letterman
“Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.” — Stephen Colbert
“People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I’d be drunk too.” –David Letterman
“Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm ‘In God We Trust’ as our national motto. I still don’t know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris.” –Jimmy Kimmel
