“President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It’s 70 over 14 trillion.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He’s fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he’s not an American.” – David Letterman
“The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, ‘You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee.” – David Letterman
“In Herman Cain’s defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive.” – Jon Stewart
“Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word ‘consensual’.” – David Letterman
“If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone.” – Stephen Colbert
