“A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather’s pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he’s the funniest candidate by about 40 points.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s a guy that wants to be Superman so much that he spent a million dollars on plastic surgery so to look like him. I’m telling you, Rick Perry is really getting desperate.” – David Letterman
“President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It’s really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“And just so Republicans don’t complain, it comes with a birth certificate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.” – Jay Leno
“The Occupy Wall Street protesters are going into their second month, but they’ve been orderly and well behaved. Well that doesn’t sound like any fun.” – David Letterman
“The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban. The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West.” – Conan O’Brien
“‘Seinfeld’ star Jason Alexander is in the Middle East to promote peace. In a related story, ‘Friends’ star Matt LeBlanc is in Europe trying to prop up the troubled euro.” – Conan O’Brien
“A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up.” – Jay Leno
