“Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they’re going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television.” – Conan O’Brien
“A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?” – David Letterman
“Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.” – David Letterman
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He’s going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn’t a steak.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michele Bachmann’s campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, ‘That’s not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, ‘I didn’t even know the guy was Jewish.'” – Jay Leno
“Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it’s going to be the best season of ‘The Amazing Race’ yet.” – Conan O’Brien
“So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.” – David Letterman
“As you know, President Obama is here in Los Angeles He’s raising money for a huge disaster relief project. It’s called NBC.” – Jay Leno
“It feels weird, because we’re taping the show extra early tonight. It’s rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest’s schedule. In fact, the only people we’ve ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, ‘tumbler’ is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“So, you hear that, Michelle Obama? You can take your celery sticks and throw them in the deep fryer.” – Jimmy Kimmel
