“Big news in the Republican ranks, there is a new front-runner: Herman Cain. The Republican establishment is freaking out because their token black guy is in the lead now. It’s like an episode of Star Trek where the black guy beams down to the planet and lives.” – Bill Maher
“Herman Cain’s plan to save the economy is ‘9-9-9.’ He keeps saying it every day like the Count on Sesame Street. Well, this week we finally found out where he got it from. Not from an economist. He got it up from the guy who works at his local Wells Fargo branch. Literally, it’s like he went down to deposit checks, and the teller said, ‘Can I help with anything else?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, can you re-write the tax code?'” – Bill Maher
“Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.” – David Letterman
“Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come out of nowhere to become the new front-runner. And believe me, Mitt Romney is worried. He’s sweating like Rick Perry.” – Jay Leno
“The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it’s hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he’s taken every position.” – Jay Leno
“You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He’s in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donald Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He’s been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That’s gotta hurt a little.” – Bill Maher
“Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody.” – Bill Maher
“Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I’ve ever heard say he’s not doing well because he’s sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.” – David Letterman
“Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn’t know where the ‘Shot Heard ‘Round the World’ took place, Sarah Palin doesn’t know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn’t know that 1776 happened in the 1700’s. These aren’t gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if he was a child, you’d leave him behind.” – Bill Maher
“This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It’s two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren’t fresh. But still it’s a start.” – Bill Maher
“Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.” – David Letterman
“Now there’s a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There’s a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don’t pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they’re fucking broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don’t blame the banks. Their slogan is, ‘Let’s bend over and take it, America!'” – Bill Maher
“The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They’ve started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities.” – Craig Ferguson
“Bill O’Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they’re out here having sex outside at night. Bill O’Reilly – the only man in America who makes Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they’re practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees.” – Bill Maher
“Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.” – Jay Leno
“Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years.” – Jay Leno
