“Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said ‘Look at me. Do I look like I’m ready to race anyone?'” – Bill Maher
“And Chris Christie isn’t running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …” – David Letterman
“On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn’t handle the two-year commitment.” – Seth Meyers
“Sarah Palin won’t run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?” – David Letterman
“Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider.” – Bill Maher
“Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running for president.” – David Letterman
“Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, ‘If you don’t have a job, if you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the banks, blame yourself.’ And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, ‘Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'” – Bill Maher
“Under Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that’s his chances of becoming president.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Perry has fallen way down. He’s got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney’s problem. He’s just too black.” – Bill Maher
“YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, ‘Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, ‘The Glenn Beck Show.” – Bill Maher
“If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?” – Bill Maher
“Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions.” – Bill Maher
“Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.” – Jay Leno
“You folks feeling the economic pinch? That’s why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are now accepting chickens.” – David Letterman
“There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.” – Jay Leno
“Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn.” – Seth Meyers
“This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his.” – Jay Leno
“Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Maybe I will run for president!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.” – Jay Leno
