“Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin announced she’s not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it’s too late.” – Jay Leno
“Are you telling me that driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping President Obama though.” – Jay Leno
“Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell ‘potato’.” – David Letterman
“A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox.” – David Letterman
“Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse.” – Stephen Colbert
“The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It’s kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake.” – David Letterman
“Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, ‘You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you . . . you’re fired.'” – Jimmy Fallon
”The ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement has basically been a four-week downtown Manhattan live-in, which has spread to cities all around the country, causing the media to move its coverage dial from ‘Blackout’ to ‘Circus’.” – Jon Stewart
