“Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he’s not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa.” – David Letterman
“If he does run and he is elected, say good bye to the White House garden and say hello to the White House Olive Garden.” – David Letterman
“Perfect fit: Oval Office, oval president.” – David Letterman
“Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.” – Craig Ferguson
“Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let’s not set that bar too high.” – Jay Leno
“If you donate $5 to President Obama’s re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now, they’ve dropped the price from $5 to $3. It’s the first presidential groupon.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Obama campaign is offering a chance to win dinner with the president for $3. This would explain his new campaign slogan: ‘Hey, I’m cheaper than Arby’s.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s all part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him ‘the Antichrist.’ The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.” – Jay Leno
“Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as ‘rock solid.’ It probably didn’t help that he then added, ‘As rock solid as Taylor Lautner’s yummy abs.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican students at Berkeley held a bake sale to publicize their views on affirmative action. Prices were based on a customer’s race and gender. White males paid $2 for a cupcake. Black males, 75 cents. And women got 25 cents off. Minority students held a competing bake sale where they pointed out if a white male gets caught stealing a cupcake he gets a slap on the wrist. A woman gets to keep it. And a black man gets 25 years in prison.” – Jay Leno
“A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can’t make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can’t fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it’s not worth bending over for, it’s not worth making.” – Jimmy Kimmel
