“Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.” – David Letterman
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for ‘Jersey Shore.’ The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, ‘Sorry you lost your job.’ The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn’t take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he’s probably fried more people than global warming all put together.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl’s bike to work.” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama was heckled by someone who said, ‘Don’t forget about medical marijuana.’ The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.” – Conan O’Brien
”I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black.” – Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore
“It was sweet to elect the first black president, but what would be even sweeter would be to see the first black president kicked out of office by the second black president. It could happen, he [Herman Cain] just kicked Rick Perry’s Caucasian ass up and down the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. … You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and fucks you.” – Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore
“Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he’s taking the divorce well. … They’re eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they’re trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they’re in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies.” – David Letterman
“There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that’s it.” – David Letterman
“Joe Biden was a guest on ‘The View’ today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for ‘Hot Topics,’ Biden was like, ‘The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?'” – Jimmy Fallon
