“If you’re keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.” – Bill Maher
“They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, ‘Honey, you can stop packing.'” – David Letterman
“The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates.” – Jay Leno
“Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by Fox and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of Fox.” – Bill Maher
“Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don’t have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It’s called debates.” – Bill Maher
“Rick Perry did look dumb. I’m beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school.” – Bill Maher
“He sounded like a sixth grader who didn’t do the reading – garbled syntax, messing up simple facts, sentences that went nowhere. Sarah Palin was watching and she said, ‘If only he was black, I’d fuck him.” – Bill Maher
“You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race ‘more exciting.’ Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Palin’s doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, they asked her at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, ‘I didn’t make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It’s one thing to say you don’t believe in evolution, you don’t believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in videotape.” – Bill Maher
“After the debate husband Marcus was comforting her. He said, ‘Honey, you can’t publicly deny something about yourself that everyone else can see is true.” – Bill Maher
“That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there’s construction on the FDR. It’s plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele Bachmann’s campaign.” – David Letterman
“It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, ‘the end of global warming.'” – Jay Leno
“The next time you hear anyone say ‘job creator,’ I want you to picture [The Situation from Jersey Shore]. Yes, The Situation made $5 million dollars last year, and if he has to pay a little more in taxes, it won’t mean he’s creating fewer jobs. It will mean a tiny fraction of his money actually pays for the government that works to keep him alive. The EPA that contains his oil runoff. The Postal Service that delivers his body wax. The Bureau of Weights and Measures who weigh his dumbbells. The Centers for Disease Control that provides a steady supply of penicillin. And the military, who keep the Taliban away. Because if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you’re looking at him.” – Bill Maher
“The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.” – David Letterman
“Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or ‘they will lose an ally.’ Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.” – Jay Leno
“We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama.” – David Letterman
“Someone smashed the windows in President Obama’s L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.” – Jimmy Fallon
