“There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he’s a yahoo.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin’s website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she’ll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn’t just show up every day.” – Craig Ferguson
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’ll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that’s impossible to understand.” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new memoir that will focus on his career as a body builder, action star, and politician. You can find it in that section at Barnes & Noble marked ‘Trying to Change the Subject.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of ‘Extreme Home Makeover’ on Sunday. The good news is, she’ll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it’s the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama was in town speaking at the U.N. General Assembly. He said he’s very proud of three things: No. 1: Bin Laden dead; No. 2: Gadhafi toppled; and No. 3: Regis fired.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the U.N. He was arrested for hiking in Iran.” – David Letterman
“The Tea Party has formed a debt supercommittee that will meet this week at a Denny’s. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny’s will be interested in trimming fat.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bad day for the stock market. It’s down nearly 400 points. They’re calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox.” – Jay Leno
“The animal rights group PETA is launching a porn web site to promote their cause. This is a terrible idea. It’s only going to lead to monkey spanking, chicken choking, goose strangling, gopher whacking … ” – Craig Ferguson
