“Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer.” – Jay Leno
“That custom-tailored Obama scandal you ordered is finally here. Solyndra, which received $535 million in federal loan guarantees, has gone bankrupt. … Does the failure of one company discredit the idea of an entire green energy economy? Of course not. But, if in, say, 1936 you spoke about the growing importance of air travel in front of the… Hindenberg, you’d be right about the future of air travel, but you’d still be on fucking fire.” – Jon Stewart
“Fox News, call your doctor, because the erection you now have is going to last much longer than 4 hours.” – Jon Stewart
“I don’t want to say the solar panels are bad, but they absorb less sunlight than John Boehner.” – Jay Leno
“A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating Rice says she quit before the second half. And it’s getting catty. She’s now calling him Minute Rice.” – Jay Leno
“Another Sarah Palin documentary is coming out from the man who did ‘Biggie and Tupac.’ The Palin documentary is similar, but with more guns.” – Conan O’Brien
“Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together in a restaurant in Arizona. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen. Then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I had a terrible dream last night – I dreamed my cat was sick and the only veterinarian in town was Ron Paul and I didn’t have my proof of pet insurance card. It was awful.” – Jay Leno
NASA now says the bright streak of light seen in the skies over the southwest United States was a meteor. Witnesses say it dazzled brightly, then flamed out quickly – kind of like Obama’s presidency. – Jay Leno
“Last night in the Rose Garden, President Obama had a beer with a Medal of Honor winner. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden had a beer with a ‘World of Warcraft’ winner.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If a person contributes just $5 to President Obama’s campaign, that person will become eligible to win a private dinner with the president. But if you win, you’re buying.” – Jay Leno
“On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life’s work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look two to three pages longer.” – Jimmy Fallon
