Political Irony

“A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, ‘At least President Obama created one new job.'” – Jay Leno

“People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely that in a year, he’ll be one of them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.” – Jay Leno

“If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Taco Bell is product testing a new taco with a shell made of a giant Dorito. Michelle Obama spent the morning watering the White House garden with her tears.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It’s called, ‘Vote for Mitt Romney or else you’ll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of ‘The View.’ So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Dick Cheney dropped in on the ladies on ‘The View,’ where he displayed his heart pump. Oh no, his frailty is sapping my will to make fun of his vile service record. [Clip of Alec Guinness in ‘Star Wars’ saying, ‘He’s more machine than human.’] –Jon Stewart

“A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.” – Conan O’Brien

“Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She’d shoot everything else.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, ‘Hey, no rush.'” – Jimmy Fallon