“Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from ‘Toddlers & Tiaras.'” – Conan O’Brien
“During the Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America’s dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, ‘Trust me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross’s vagina. Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick Perry.” – Jon Stewart
“There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.” – Jay Leno
“The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they’re warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don’t like this focus on paying for things. That’s what future generations are for.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Anderson Cooper is on CNN, “60 Minutes” and now daytime TV. He’s like a male Ryan Seacrest. Anderson’s a serious journalist. He’s been to places torn apart by strife, like Bosnia and ‘The View.'” – Craig Ferguson
“People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.” – Craig Ferguson
“Anderson Cooper was on the Johnny Carson ‘Tonight Show’ when he was 3 years old. And then he was bumped by a 2-year-old Jay Leno. That was back when Jay Leno was nothing but diapers and a chin. Just like now.” – Craig Ferguson
“My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.” – Stephen Colbert
“The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.” – Conan O’Brien
