“The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.” – David Letterman
“They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.” – David Letterman
“Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: ‘Don’t mess with Texes.’ In high school voted ‘Most likely to execute 200+ people.’ Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts.” – Conan O’Brien
“Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair ‘Secretary of Handsome.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of ’24’.” –Conan O’Brien
“Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.” – Jay Leno
“You could smell Rick Perry’s cologne through the TV.” – David Letterman
“Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was ‘shampoo, rinse, and repeat’.” – Jay Leno
“Don’t they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?” – Jay Leno
“Rick Perry also defended his claim that Social Security is nothing but a Ponzi scheme. Michele Bachmann jumped on that. She told them flat out, “Hey, it has to be either a Fonzi scheme or a Potsie scheme. There was no Ponzi…” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is at Taco Bell.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.” – Jay Leno
“You know what is really cool about the Reagan Library? They have Air Force One – Reagan’s actual Air Force One – parked right inside the building. You get the feeling that’s about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get.” – Jay Leno
“Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.” – Conan O’Brien
“I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.” – David Letterman
“Tonight was President Obama’s jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t get why everyone is hung up about getting jobs. Isn’t it better to stay up until 4:00 in the morning watching reruns of ‘Sanford and Son?'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.” – David Letterman
“Earlier this evening President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So what we had tonight was a guy whose job nobody approves of, giving a speech about jobs that don’t exist, to people who don’t have any jobs. So it’s a real positive, uplifting…” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s $447-billion spending plan is called the American Jobs Act. It would have had a cooler name, but the name guy was laid off six months ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The president said we need more products stamped ‘Made in America.’ OK, let’s get the Chinese to get a stamp that says ‘Made in America.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama’s jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there’s already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they’re thinking about moving back to Mexico.” – Jay Leno
“The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.” – Jimmy Fallon
