“Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I’m sure that will sail right through.” – David Letterman
“‘The White House agreed to move President Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe.” – Jay Leno
“After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama caved again when ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ called and said, ‘Our show is on at that time.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.” – David Letterman
“Obama’s approval rating is 38 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that.” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney’s book is an inside look at what it’s like to be president — uh, vice president.” – Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney’s memoir, ‘Eat, Pray, Waterboard,’ has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce’s baby.” – David Letterman
“President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you’re looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the ‘Mac n’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty’ from Denny’s.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?” – David Letterman
“A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!” – Jay Leno
“New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that’s the price you pay for living in an island paradise.” – David Letterman
