“I read Dick Cheney’s book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can’t we pray that away?” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden?” – Jay Leno
“How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands?” – David Letterman
“The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call.” – Jimmy Fallon
