“Dick Cheney’s new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.” – Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney’s new memoir will be a best seller. I think it’s published by ‘Simon & Shooter.'” – David Letterman
“If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney’s memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a ‘Harry Potter’ book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other’s nipples. Then they heard about Cheney’s book coming out.” – Craig Ferguson
“This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted.” – Jay Leno
“Reviewers say Cheney’s book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they’re lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush’s dog Barney. He says, ‘That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.” – Jay Leno
“Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It’s like I have a twin.” – David Letterman
“Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.” – Jay Leno
