“The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland.” – Conan O’Brien
“When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, ‘Just shoot me.'” – David Letterman
“Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” – Craig Ferguson
“I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas.” – Craig Ferguson
“There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?” – David Letterman
“The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno.” – David Letterman
“Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called ‘You Might Want to Skip This.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China. Evidently, somebody blocked the exit, and people panicked.” – Conan O’Brien
