“It’s never enough for the media. They’re like children: ‘Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?’ ‘I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the fuck is your Ron Paul?'” – Jon Stewart
“Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she’ll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.” – Conan O’Brien
”Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he’s already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.” – Stephen Colbert
“A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun.” – Stephen Colbert
“Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics.” – Jimmy Kimmel
”There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.” — Stephen Colbert
“Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!” – Conan O’Brien
