“Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn’t been this excited since she won last year’s ‘Who’s Crazier Than Sarah Palin’ contest.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.” – Stephen Colbert
“Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.” – Stephen Colbert
“Tim Pawlenty announced that he’s dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don’t know who he is.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.” – Stephen Colbert
“Why would the Josh Brolin character from ‘W.’ be running for….what!? That’s a real guy?” – Jon Stewart (on Rick Perry)
[Video about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: “He’s close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy.”] Jon Stewart: “And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor.”
“He’s not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the fucking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!” – Jon Stewart
“If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'” – Jon Stewart
“How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?” – Jon Stewart (on the media ignoring Paul’s second place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll)
“Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, ‘Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for ‘Jersey Shore’ are at an all-time high.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.” – Conan O’Brien
“The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.” – Conan O’Brien
