“The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn’t watch.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race.” – Jay Leno
“A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, ‘Wanna bet?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.” – Jay Leno
“General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: ‘Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'” – Jay Leno
“It’s the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there’s no guarantee that there will be a 77th.” – Jay Leno
“The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to ‘Burger, please. Hungry.'” – Jimmy Fallon
