“Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, ‘That’s ridiculous, and if you’ll excuse me, ‘Spongebob’ is on.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China’s money.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he’s being modest. He deserves a little credit.” – Jay Leno
“Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?” – Jay Leno
”We need God’s forgiveness — or at least China’s.” – Stephen Colbert
“It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It’s like trying to follow Gary Busey when he’s off his meds.” – Jay Leno
“According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It’s true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven’t heard in years: English.” – Jay Leno
”[Megyn Kelly] used to hate entitlement programs, mandated benefits and things like that. See if you can spot the difference between Megyn Kelly coming off of maternity leave and some of her earlier work.” – Jon Stewart (see more on this).
”Never get between a Mama Grizzly and her maternity leave.” – Jon Stewart
“During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.” – Jimmy Fallon
“After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, ‘Being carjacked, LOL.'” – Conan O’Brien
”Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.” – Stephen Colbert
“Corporations are people. It’s time to remake ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner’ where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won’t want to see his daughter drilled.” – Stephen Colbert (on Mitt Romney’s declaration that “corporations are people”)
“Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They’re like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy.” – Stephen Colbert
“Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She’s not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she’s going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington.” – Jon Stewart
“The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.” – Jay Leno
