“The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can’t be that bad.” – Conan O’Brien
“The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not ‘economic disaster?'” – David Letterman
“To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I’ll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign.” – Jay Leno
“The debt deal calls for the formation of a ‘super Congress’ to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you’re wondering, a super Congress consists of six Congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.” – Conan O’Brien
“For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? ‘Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as ‘terrorists.’ This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists.” – David Letterman
”Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it’s 1799.” – Jon Stewart
“After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, “It’s time for jobs to move to the front burner?” Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they’re about to lose theirs jobs.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We’re broke!” – Jay Leno
“Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, ‘Because of that comment I’m going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The world’s 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He’s also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Conan O’Brien
“It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling…so he will be 50.” – Jay Leno
“In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe’s leader, Dances to Gaga.” – Conan O’Brien
“July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it’s not the heat that gets you; it’s the stupidity.” – Jay Leno
“A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name ‘District of Columbia.'” – Jay Leno
“That’s what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted.” – Jay Leno
“A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria’s Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. ‘Why don’t you slip into something a little more con carni?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, ‘You know what, I’ll just take the groping.'” – Jimmy Fallon
