“The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments.” – Bill Maher
“Their plan is to not pay our bills and hope nobody gets too mad about it. Call me crazy, but I think the government owes an apology to Wesley Snipes. Wasn’t that his plan?” – Bill Maher
“One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, ‘Have you no shame, Mr. President?’ It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don’t have a child support problem; they have a spending problem.” – Bill Maher
“The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something.” – Bill Maher
“By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn’t take it. The Democrats — getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that’s off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over.” – Bill Maher
“The essence of the problem is something I’ve been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both?” – Bill Maher
“John Boehner’s plan: no tax increases and a trillion dollars in cuts. Harry Reid’s paln: no tax increases, $2 trillion in cuts. This makes it very hard for the White House, because if the Democrats don’t stand up for what they believe in, how can Obama sell them out?” – Bill Maher
“Earlier today the House passed Boehner’s version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, ‘Get your ass in line.’ That’s what he said. Doesn’t that sound like something Kim Kardashian’s chiropractor would say?” – Jay Leno
“Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there’s one thing that congressmen hate, it’s being told what to do by the people that put them there.” – Jay Leno
“If the debt limit isn’t lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to Plan B: a nationwide ‘going out of business’ sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!” – Jay Leno
“As they say in Washington, ‘If it ain’t broke, it will be by Tuesday.'” –Jay Leno
“According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand… Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we’re owned by China. Two different things.” – Jay Leno
“Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza.” – Bill Maher
“He was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He’s OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet.” – Bill Maher
“But the doctors said to Governor Christie ‘you have got to stop eating ice cream out of big five gallon tubs’ and he said ‘why?’ And the doctor said ‘so I can examine you.'” – Bill Maher
“New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels “fabulous.” When Michele Bachman’s husband heard that, he said, “We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that.” – Jay Leno
“Some big election news. It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned — she’s like, ‘We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no ‘I’ in Iowa!'” – Jimmy Fallon
