Political Irony

“House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, ‘Wait, you could have done that the whole time?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There’s the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can’t even add up the poll numbers?” – Jay Leno

“The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on ‘Antiques Roadshow.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything.” – Jay Leno

“House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That’s what he said — get their asses in line. This is typical Washington — if it’s not Obama kissing Wall Street’s ass, it’s Boehner kicking ass, or it’s Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They’re a bunch of asses.” – Jay Leno

“At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, ‘The Town’. Is that the best movie for Congress, “The Town”? How many think ‘Dumb and Dumber’ would be a better movie?” – Jay Leno

“You understand any of this? I don’t understand…the Republicans have ‘cut, cap, and balance.’ That’s no good. Of course the Democrats have their plan, “duck and cover.” That doesn’t work either.” – Jay Leno

“Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions.” – Jay Leno

“After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called ‘Undefeated’… not doing well… barely made $100,000. I’m not saying Sarah Palin’s movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit.” – Jay Leno

“According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.” – Conan O’Brien

“Facebook has added ‘civil union’ to its status updates. And next week they’re adding “whatever Michele Bachmann and her husband are up to.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money.” – David Letterman

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called ‘living in New Jersey.'” – Jay Leno

“Bill Gates, the guy who invented computers and internet porn, has designed a new toilet that uses no water whatsoever. I was going to get one, but my dog talked me out of it. In New York we call a toilet without water the subway.” – David Letterman

“Thirty-three soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return home after accidentally crossing the border into the United States. That’s how bad things are. People are only crossing the border accidentally.” – Conan O’Brien