“The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.” – David Letterman
“‘Debt ceiling,’ to me, sounds like a boring John Grisham novel, but apparently it’s very important.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.” – Jay Leno
“On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America.” – David Letterman
“‘Captain America’ made $65 million over the weekend, which is about twice what actual America made.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien
“If the debt ceiling isn’t raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won’t be able to pay our bills. Then we’ll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The country is running out of money and everyone is fighting. It reminds me a lot of my childhood.” – Conan O’Brien
“The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, Al Qaeda is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The ‘debate’ we’ve been having? Is that what that noise out of Washington has been? It sounded like an elephant seal trying to fuck a truck.” – Jon Stewart
“On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of ‘hiding in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of ‘locking him in the basement’ during debt ceiling talks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: ‘President Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? … I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted ‘The Bachelorette’ to be like, ‘Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'” – Jon Stewart
“In his speech, President Obama said that ‘compromise’ has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican Presidential Candidate John Huntsman has fired his campaign manager, Susie Wiles. This after a poll showing she has higher name recognition than he did. That’s not good.” – Jay Leno
“Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.” – David Letterman
The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It’s not unusual to buy an entire city. We’ve been doing that for years. It’s called Washington, D.C.” – Jay Leno
“McDonald’s has added apple slices to their Happy Meals. Then an hour later, McDonald’s added cheese and beef to their apple slices.” – Conan O’Brien
“Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan.” – Craig Ferguson
