“I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.” – Jon Stewart
“A lot of people don’t understand what the debt ceiling is. So everyone can understand, it’s the ceiling for our debt.” – Craig Ferguson
“I heard that if we don’t raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn’t the auto club mind their own business?” – David Letterman
“My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don’t have the balls to leave, so you’ve all decided to act like such giant assholes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the fuck out.” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won’t even let Obama raise his age.” – Conan O’Brien
“The debt talks failed again. Now, President Obama wishes he was born in Kenya.” – David Letterman
“There’s still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do.” – Jay Leno
“Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America’s credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card.” – Conan O’Brien
“My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.” – David Letterman
“We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?'” – Craig Ferguson
“Gay marriage is legal in New York. That’s got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don’t you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay.” – Jay Leno
“The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don’t know.” – Conan O’Brien
“Sarah Palin’s documentary, ‘The Undefeated,’ will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles.” – Jimmy Fallon
