“I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann’s brain, migraines are not even in the top 20.” – Jon Stewart
“A couple of people who worked for the presidential candidate Michele Bachmann say that she gets these chronic migraines. That’s been the story. To derail her candidacy a lot of people are trying to make it like it’s a female thing, cause she gets these headaches. It’s not. President Obama also has a chronic headache. It’s called Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage – and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards.” – David Letterman
”Bringing gay history into our classrooms teaches our children a dangerous lesson: that gay people exist.” – Stephen Colbert
“When you’re a gay couple getting married, who gets the bachelor party? Who goes downstairs in the middle of the night to check on the noise? Who forgets the anniversary? Who refuses to stop and ask for directions? And which one of you will take forever to get ready?” – David Letterman
“House Speaker John Boehner invited new congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent ten hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat – a seat that will soon be repossessed.” – Craig Ferguson
“Weather experts say that 1 million square miles of the U.S. are under a ‘heat dome.’ But don’t worry — we have plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.” – Jay Leno
“Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, ‘We are home. We have no jobs.'” – Conan O’Brien
“TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision yesterday after Aretha Franklin boarded a flight at LAX.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In 1969 we put a man on the moon. Today the best we can do is x-ray Kim Kardashian’s ass. And someday we’ll celebrate the 40th anniversary of that.” – David Letterman
“NASA says that without the space shuttle, we’ll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it’s an extra $15 million.” – Conan O’Brien
“More bad news for former Senator John Edwards – an audit of his campaign finances shows he now owes the federal government $2.3 million. Apparently he spent money on everything except condoms.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s motorcade was fined $16 for traffic it caused while in the United Kingdom. Typical for Obama, he said, ‘My grandkids will pay for it.'” – Jay Leno
“Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don’t have to hear about it until the afterlife. That’s the only difference.” – Jay Leno
“Cowboys & Aliens is supposed to be the next big blockbuster. Doesn’t that sound like a game Arnold Schwarzenegger would play with his maid?” – Jay Leno
“A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren’t really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.” – Jimmy Fallon
