“The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others.” – Craig Ferguson
“Rupert Murdoch testified today before the House of Commons. He said he was not responsible for the phone hacking scandal. Did you hear his defense? He said he’s got AT&T so he can barely listen to anybody.” – Jay Leno
“While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News.” – Conan O’Brien
“Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can’t stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can’t even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie.” – Craig Ferguson
“Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy’s voicemail.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I think it’s cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he’d go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away.” – Craig Ferguson
“Man, what a heat wave we are having right now, especially in the Midwest. People are sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.” – Jay Leno
“I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don’t know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. ‘This call smells like feet!'” – Craig Ferguson
“Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That’s mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t think Rupert Murdoch’s guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he’s probably for Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.” – Conan O’Brien
“China’s mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn’t owe them anything — except like $14 trillion.” – Jimmy Fallon
“NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you’re black.” – Conan O’Brien
“A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as ‘historic’ by women’s’ groups, and as ’10 years too late’ by Maria Shriver.” – Conan O’Brien
“There’s talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought.” – Jay Leno
“Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by ‘closing our borders.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
