“An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, ‘I’m going to run for president in 2012.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It was so hot presidential candidate Michele Bachmann was fanning herself with pornography. So hot Charlie Sheen was snorting actual snow.” – David Letterman
“It’s so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery.” – Craig Ferguson
“It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.” – Craig Ferguson
”If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bullshit ceiling.” – Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
“Former News Corp Chief Executive Rebekah Brooks was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of illegal wire tapping and bribing police officers for information. I don’t think she gets it. She asked the arresting officer, ‘How much is it going to take to make this go away?'” – Jay Leno
“Ironically while she was in jail she was surrounded by less criminals than when she was working for News Corp. That’s the amazing thing.” – Jay Leno
“MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last week in an interview with ABC News President Obama said he will turn 50 this week, but the truth is he turns 50 on August 4th. Do you know what that means? Apparently even he hasn’t seen his real birth certificate.” – Jay Leno
“The President met with the Dalai Lama over the weekend. The Dalai Lama told Obama about the difficulty of being under China’s thumb. To which Obama said, ‘Tell me about it.'” – Jay Leno
“The United States’ soccer team lost to Japan, which means we’re now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This weekend, the final ‘Harry Potter’ movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, ‘Harry Potter’ made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator’. You can’t even use the word ‘rich’. You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'” – Jon Stewart
“I say, if the founding fathers didn’t want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby’s name is ‘Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.” – Jimmy Fallon
“So what happened to Carmageddon? What was that? The L.A. freeways had less traffic this weekend than Newt Gingrich’s campaign website. Nothing.” – Jay Leno
“A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn’t as safe as you thought.” – Jimmy Fallon
