“Michele Bachmann says that if she’s elected, she’ll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment … Yeah, let’s ban pornography.” – David Letterman
“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” – David Letterman
“Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn’t read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don’t have to sign anything so important they have to read it first.” – Jay Leno
“Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to ‘pray away the gay.’ They want gay guys to think outside the bun.” – Jay Leno
”Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” – Stephen Colbert
“Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it, you have to be either Google or Apple. You can’t be a newspaper.” – Jay Leno
“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” – David Letterman
“It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.” – Jay Leno
“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” – Jay Leno
“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.'” – Jimmy Fallon
”It’s not, ‘All right, let’s all chip in and we’ll buy a keg for the big party.’ It’s, ‘Buy me a keg and I won’t burn your f**kin’ house down.'” –Jon Stewart [on Republicans’ approach to compromise during debt negotiations]
“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” – Jon Stewart
“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” – Wyatt Cenac [Daily Show senior debt correspondent]
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?'” – Craig Ferguson
“The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.” – Jay Leno
“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” – Jay Leno
