“Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma — or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bachmann didn’t know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The next-most famous person from that town is the guy that grew the biggest pumpkin at the town fair.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“She announced her candidacy from Waterloo — a name synonymous with victory.” – Stephen Colbert
“Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that’s an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg’s.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin says she should be ready to make a decision on running for president by December 2012.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was ‘Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill.” – David Letterman
“Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, ‘What’s the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all?” – Conan O’Brien
“Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption — and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair?” – David Letterman
“Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn’t paying attention during the trial.” – David Letterman
“It is no secret that our economy is in the dumpster, because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old muffins.” – Stephen Colbert
“A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself.” – Conan O’Brien
“[Texas is] cancelling fireworks because it might lead to fire. That’s like cancelling a carnival because it might lead to being abducted by carnies.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money.” – David Letterman
