Political Irony

“Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume ‘when the time comes’. So there you go, everyone — it’s not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said she did not quit her bus tour. She just had to go home early for jury duty. How can you be President if you’re not even smart enough to get out of jury duty?” – Jay Leno

“Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol’s new memoir is quote ‘shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.’ Of course, she said the same thing about the movie ‘Cars 2’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin’s new book and she found it ‘shocking.’ When asked what was shocking, Palin said ‘the fact I read a book.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Cameron Diaz opens this weekend as the ‘Bad Teacher.’ She’s so bad she tells the kids a completely incorrect version of the Paul Revere story.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit last week. Then his finance staff. He was going to quit the race, but his speechwriter quit too.” – Jay Leno

“A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied ‘You first.'” – Bill Maher

“President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, ‘Please tell me you’re not a Democratic Congressman.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, ‘We can’t stay there indefinitely.’ You think our troops in Korea are going, ‘HELLO, we’ve been here for 60 years.'” – Jay Leno

“Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, ‘Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'” – Jay Leno

“Days are longer in the summer, especially in the Weiner house.” – David Letterman

“The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can’t be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, ‘These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke.” – Jay Leno