“You know the big news today, Congressman Weiner resigned. You heard about that, right? He resigned. It’s sort of a good news/bad news thing. The good news is Congressman Weiner resigned. The bad news, he made the announcement shirtless over Skype.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congressman Weiner resigned from Congress at a senior citizens’ center in Queens. It was smart, because they had no idea what Twitter is.” – Jay Leno
“Our long national nightmare is over. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Anthony Weiner has resigned. That’s right, he decided to take his balls and go home. And it is now safe to go back on Facebook.” – Bill Maher
“And I still don’t think Weiner gets it. Did you hear what he said at the end of his press conference? ‘Anybody want one last look?'” – Jay Leno
“Congress has just lost its Weiner. One minute he’s in, one minute he’s out … typical Weiner.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.” – Conan O’Brien
“Thank you, Anthony Weiner, for your premature evacuation.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The good news is that they already found a replacement for Anthony Weiner. The bad news is that it’s Brett Favre.” – Jay Leno
“Anthony Weiner’s still involved with the internet. Today he started his own site called MyTube.” – Jay Leno
“I have to warn you. Newt Gingrich today put up a large Web ad. So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge dick.” – Bill Maher
“Did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh my God! Those guys up there and Michele Bachmann, and it was exciting, and you know who did well? Michele Bachmann. Bachmann did well. Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann, he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate from Tiffany’s.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they’re both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was ‘Steel Mongolians.'” – Jay Leno
“Many people have noticed that Palin likes to use ‘flippin” instead of the ‘f’ word. For instance, one email says, ‘I wish my daughter and Levi Johnston would stop flippin’.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?” – Jay Leno
“According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, ‘hey, I’m unemployed too.’ That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the ‘South Park’ guys write your jokes. ” – Bill Maher
“Father’s Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Shwarzenegger. Last year my son wouldn’t give me my gift until I gave him a DNA swab.” – David Letterman
“A recent study found that today’s fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it’s due to a sweeping new trend called ‘unemployment.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies. ” – Bill Maher
“Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, ‘You can get sued for that?'” – Jay Leno
“Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.” – Jay Leno
“Al Qaeda announced that they’ve found a replacement for Osama bin Laden, thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Al Qaeda’s new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is.” – Jay Leno
“Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don’t have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.” – Jay Leno
“Today is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. And since it was built, not one Mexican has sneaked in.” – David Letterman
