“Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.” – Jay Leno
“Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn’t his concern when he was texting pictures of himself.” – David Letterman
“Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, ‘I feel so sorry for you.'” – Conan O’Brien
“According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.” – Jay Leno
“A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, ‘How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word ‘potato,’ thus paving the way for Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno
“A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco.” – Conan O’Brien
“One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy.” – Jon Stewart
“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.” – David Letterman
“It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon
