“President Obama said he’d be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed ‘send’.” – Conan O’Brien
“When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he’d resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, ‘If it was me, I wouldn’t be surprised.'” – David Letterman
“Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth.” – Jay Leno
“Derek Jeter is only six hits away from 3,000 base hits. What a coincidence — Anthony Weiner is only six nude photos away from 3,000.” – David Letterman
“The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s car isn’t registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now.” – Jimmy Fallon
“What is Weiner guilty of? He’s guilty of being too photogenic. But is taking pictures of your junk and e-mailing them something you’d expect from a Congressman? No. This is something you’d expect from a priest.” – David Letterman
“Congressman Weiner has checked into the That’s Not Mayo Clinic.” – Conan O’Brien
“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said ‘cool.’ It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.” – Conan O’Brien
“The housekeeper said the affair wasn’t all Arnold’s fault because ‘it takes two.’ Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘Actually, it only takes one.'” – Conan O’Brien
“One of bin Laden’s wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven’t seen the birth certificate so we don’t know for sure.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who was born 65 years ago today! It was sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, ‘Prove it.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is 65 today. Had a big party. He likes to play Pin Everything on Obama.” –David Letterman
“President Obama said regarding the economy, ‘The sky is not falling.’ The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is fine.” – Jay Leno
“According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we’ll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.” – Jay Leno
“The first Republican presidential debate was held on Monday night. Seven Republican presidential candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run. Imagine if you did that in a job interview.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, ‘Wait, there’s pizza?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann at the Republican debate that he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany’s.” – David Letterman
“During the Republican debate on Monday night, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Well … I guess he’s already written off the black vote.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie.” – Jimmy Kimmel
