“Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it’s the only thing he’s entered during the entire Weinergate scandal.” – Conan O’Brien
“Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He’s already there, it’s called Congress.” – Jay Leno
“It’s so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes.” – David Letterman
“Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he’s not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm.” – Jay Leno
“I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next ‘Bachelor.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Apparently, Anthony Weiner won’t decide if he’s resigning until his wife comes back from her trip to Africa with Hillary Clinton. I don’t know what’s more ridiculous — that he thinks he can stay in office, or that he thinks his wife is coming back.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I say don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile with his pants down around your ankles.” – David Letterman
“The latest batch of Weiner photos were taken at the congressional gym. Wait a minute, those guys have a gym?” – David Letterman
“TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, ‘There’s a congressional gym?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Most of Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt’s third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, ‘I’ll win them back with my fourth wife.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien
“According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there’s a snowmobile racer.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The state of Alaska released more than 24,000 emails written by Sarah Palin when she was governor. How does someone that doesn’t read write that much?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?” – Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore.” – Jay Leno
“According to reports, Osama bin Laden’s bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to think that he was kind of a jerk.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in.” – Craig Ferguson
“NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce.” – Jimmy Kimmel
