“I’m not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird’s-eye view.” – Jon Stewart (on Rep. Anthony Weiner’s claim that he “can’t say with certitude” whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him)
“I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or ‘Certitiude’ is his nickname for his penis.” – Stephen Colbert
“Congressman Weiner’s Twitter account was hacked ‘allegedly,’ and someone texted a picture of his ‘junior senator’ to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google ‘wiener photos’ at work and not get fired.” – Craig Ferguson
“Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump’s head.” – Craig Ferguson
”Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don’t think you were really born in New York.” – Jon Stewart (on Donald Trump taking Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York, using knives and forks)
