“Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?” – Jay Leno
“There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It’s a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states.” – Jay Leno
“Bristol Palin said she doesn’t plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, ‘But that never stopped me before.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid. She kept the child secret for 14 years. John Edwards is going, ‘Why can’t I meet a chick like that?'” – Jay Leno
“CBS announced some new shows coming up, including ‘Celebrity Housekeeper.’ A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.” – David Letterman
“You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid.” – Jay Leno
“Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, ‘Don’t worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won’t say he’s boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama was in Ireland last week. While he was there, his Secret Service codename was, “the black guy that’s in Ireland.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, ‘What are you doing here?'” – Jay Leno
“They have just released another posthumous Osama bin Laden video. If you listen carefully you can hear his last words: ‘Will somebody please answer the damn door!'” – David Letterman
“The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, ‘Now who can’t drive the car?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn’t have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. ‘How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,’ ‘A Dick for All Seasons,’ ‘Torture in the Rye’…” – Craig Ferguson
“The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona’s law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars.” – Jay Leno
“Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks.” – Jay Leno
