“One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called ‘The Undefeated.’ That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called ‘The Faithful.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin’s political life. In case you’re interested in watching a movie that’s longer than Palin’s actual political life.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he’s going to do something.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we’re up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I don’t want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, ‘I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'” – Jay Leno
“They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here.” – Jay Leno
“Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, ‘What if I had tickets for Saturday’s Apocalypse?’ Those tickets will still be good for October.'” – David Letterman
“Be honest. How many of you were hoping this was going to be my final show? Oprah’s last show was today. I had a good cry with the girls from our book club. On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.” – David Letterman
“Oprah said, ‘Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me.’ That’s nice; she thanked her Son.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn’t leave them pregnant.” – Craig Ferguson
“The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him.” – Jay Leno
“New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a ‘great job.’ One clue might have been that he then added, ‘And she’s also a great housekeeper.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures.” – David Letterman
“A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be ‘wasting your time on Facebook.'” – Conan O’Brien
“On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over ‘The Tonight Show.’ And it wouldn’t be the last time.” – David Letterman
