“The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, “Hey, it’s not the end of the world!” – Conan O’Brien
“The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is, we thought it would so we don’t have much of a plan for the show.” – Conan O’Brien
“At first I felt bad for the people that sold everything they owned ahead of the apocalypse. But then I realized they’re idiots. If the world did end, what would you do with the money you got?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn’t understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, ‘The raptures were the scariest part of ‘Jurassic Park.'” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, “But I have families to support.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great honor to be selected as the ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ It’s like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid.” – David Letterman
“There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can’t believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It’s terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he’s sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That’s when you know the U.S. is short on cash — when even Obama’s like, ‘Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m glad President Obama is reconnecting with his roots in Ireland. When people here in L.A. do that, it means they go a month without getting their hair colored.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama visited a bar in Ireland and drank Guinness. I know it’s not great for kids to see the president drinking alcohol, but in his defense, beer goes great with cigarettes.” – Craig Ferguson
“I tell you what; Hawaiian, Kenya, Irish – this guy truly is the Epcot Center of presidents.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“That’s right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn’t necessary.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather’s archrival, Donny McTrump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive.” – Jay Leno
“Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he’s not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, ‘Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn’t you just tell us in person?” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last year George W. Bush made $15 million from speaking engagements. He comes on stage and introduces the goddesses. Then he goes into a 90-minute rant about Chuck Lorre.” – David Letterman
“A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team.” – Conan O’Brien
“The government has decided that no one is getting the $25 million award for capturing bin Laden. It’s because no one wants to break the news to SEAL Team 6.” – Conan O’Brien
“Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed.” – Jay Leno
