“A Christian minister has crunched the numbers, looked at the 8 Ball, and in two hours, the Rapture begins. That’s when the really devout, extra-sure-of-themselves fundamentalist Christians will just disappear — or as I call it, a win-win.” – Bill Maher
“Merry Apocalypse Eve. This minister says the world is going to end. I just checked the weather. We have maybe a 10% chance of Apocalypse.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The man that is predicting judgment day predicted the end of the world in 1994. He also predicted that Ashton Kutcher would never return to television.” – Craig Ferguson
“How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!” – Jay Leno
“May 21st is supposed to be Judgment Day. We should send a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to fix things. Though I suspect if he could go back in time he might fix some other things.” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he’s putting Korea on hold. It’s hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That’s what happens when you impregnate your maid. There’s no one to clean up messes for you.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and ‘Made in the U.S.A.’ Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say ‘Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen …'” –Jay Leno
“President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they’re going to try it here.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can’t get her upgraded to the seat she really wants.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you don’t know much about Newt Gingrich, he’s like Donald Trump without the charisma.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya.” – David Letterman
“Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it’s not the fire in the belly; it’s the air in the head.” – Jay Leno
“Tim Pawlenty’s friends call him T-Paw. As opposed to everyone else who calls him ‘T-Who?'” –Jay Leno
“Katie Couric’s final news broadcast was last night. Now she’s looking for another format she doesn’t quite fit.” – David Letterman
“Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it’s official. I have the nicest legs at CBS.” – Craig Ferguson
“The head of the International Monetary Fund, arrested in New York for assaulting a hotel maid, has posted the one million dollars bail in cash. Well, there goes Nigeria’s mosquito net money.” – Jon Stewart
“Katie Couric was the first solo female anchor. You know who the last solo male anchor was? Osama bin Laden.” – Jay Leno
“Time is flying by. Pretty soon, I’ll be opening my summer place in Abbottabad.” – David Letterman
“Today is the 84th anniversary of Charles Lindbergh’s solo crossing of the Atlantic. It was the last time an American was warmly greeted in France. When he landed he told people he’d enjoyed the flight and had actually joined the Mile High Club.” – David Letterman
