“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It’s not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She’d told him his father was an actor.” – Jay Leno
“You know what’s going to happen. Arnold will check into a sex addiction clinic, and next season the maid will go on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno
“At a campaign stop, someone threw glitter on Newt Gingrich to protest his stance on gay marriage. I understand the whole episode is being nominated for a Tony.” – David Letterman
“A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he’s seeing on the side.” – Jay Leno
“Everyone in the blamestream media (copyright), is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of.” – Stephen Colbert
“There is a simple explanation for [running up $500 million in debt to Tiffany’s] because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk.” – Stephen Colbert
“Dick “Kaboom” Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?” – David Letterman
“Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I’m not going to say reading it is torture. It’s more of an enhanced interrogation technique.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, “Why stop there? Let’s go back to the pre-1492 borders.”” – Jay Leno
“Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That’s my job.” – Craig Ferguson
“What is the Secret Service doing with a Twitter account? Isn’t it their job to keep stuff secret?” – Craig Ferguson
“Katie Couric is leaving the evening news to have a morning talk show. Unless Jay wants it, of course. We’ll spin the wheel to see who she’ll be replaced by. Charlie Sheen!” – Jay Leno
“A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail.” – Craig Ferguson
“The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left.” – Jimmy Kimmel
