“Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman’s husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can’t believe no one knew this was Arnold’s son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy.” – Jay Leno
“Maria Shriver had dinner with Oprah the other night, so Arnold is in a lot of trouble. He should start looking into fortified compounds in Abbottabad.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is ‘National Visit Your Relatives Day!’ Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Better make it two days.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal.” – Jay Leno
“Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump is not running for president. The whole thing was a publicity stunt? Really?” – David Letterman
“Trump says that NBC talked him into staying. That’s funny because I had just the opposite experience.” – David Letterman
“Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader – and so is SEAL Team 6. ” – David Letterman
“It’s quite a success story for the new leader. He worked his way up all the way from the mail bomb room.” – David Letterman
