“Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters – all of whom are late night comedians.” – Conan O’Brien
“As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret.” – Craig Ferguson
“Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.” – Jay Leno
“Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama.” – David Letterman
“Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee’s announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump’s announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump is out, and Mike Huckabee is out. At this point, the only person that could derail President Obama’s re-election is Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson
“Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: ‘The Adultery of Hope.'” – Jay Leno
“Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on ‘Two and a Half Men.'” – Conan O’Brien
“To save money, Washington state has canceled next year’s presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn’t have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.” – David Letterman
“Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway.” – Jon Stewart
“They found so much porn at Bin Laden’s compound that they’re investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages. So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you’re not looking at porn, you’re analyzing coded messages. ‘Honey, I wasn’t looking at porn. I’m in Al Qaeda.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Disney is trademarking the phrase ‘SEAL Team 6,’ after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, ‘This would make a great Disney movie.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, ‘SEAL Team 6.’ They also renamed their most popular ride, ‘It’s a Small World – and We Will Find Where You’re Hiding and Kill You.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They’re thinking about Ashton Kutcher.” – David Letterman
“They wanted someone less controversial than Charlie Sheen but the head of the International Monetary Fund was busy” – David Letterman
“The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service.” – Jay Leno
“Sen. John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, ‘We think this is important enough to send John Kerry.'” – David Letterman
“It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, ‘Why the long face?'” – David Letterman
“The U.S. has hit the debt ceiling. I think we should do what we always do when faced with a nightmarish problem: replace it with Ashton Kutcher.” -Craig Ferguson
“The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese.” – David Letterman
“After borrowing money for years, we hit the magic number: $14.3 trillion. It’s the maximum amount the government is allowed to borrow. Our credit card is maxed out. Our creditors include the Chinese government, the Japanese government, and a guy named Vinnie the Fist.” – Craig Ferguson
“There’s talk of a new “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future … like July.” – Jay Leno
“Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 27 this weekend. At his party it was fun to reconnect with old friends, but then everybody’s parents showed up and made it weird.” – Jimmy Fallon
