Political Irony

“The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden’s compound. It’s probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: ‘Debby Does Abbottabad,’ ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Bare Ankles 4,’ and ‘2 Humps, 1 Camel.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“New rule: you can’t rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn’t bin Laden’s only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Radical Jizzlam,’ ‘Barely Visible,’ ’72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, ‘Yentl.'” – Bill Maher

“Iran’s intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That’s like Pakistan having a truth minister.” – Jay Leno

“They have found Osama bin Laden’s diary. Some entries: ‘Very unhappy with TV reception. Death to Time-Warner.’ ‘Three wives, one bathroom, you do the math.’ The final entry: ‘Dear Diary, can’t talk now. Someone’s at the door. Hope it’s the Domino’s guy.'” – David Letterman

“Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, ‘Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can’t stop doing it.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich made it official: he’s in. Not in the presidential race — in a trivia book called ‘Whatever Happened to Last Century’s Biggest Assholes?'” – Bill Maher

“They say the key to Newt Gingrich’s campaign is going to be his third wife, Callista, who used to be the mistress. For six years while he was married to his second wife, she would blow him in the car. The theme of their campaign: values. I’m not kidding. Values, also floor mats and wet wipes.” – Bill Maher

“Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he’ll give a five-minute rebuttal.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having major trouble with endorsements. He keeps getting endorsed by President Obama. They have the same healthcare plan.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama campaign just moved into a 50,000 square foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul’s campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, ‘It can’t be that bad.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. The right-wing feigned outrage machine is apoplectic that the rapper Common was invited to an evening poetry, or as they call it, black-on-black rhyme. Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, ‘Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,’ and that’s why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music.” – Bill Maher