“Osama Bin Laden’s supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?” – Jay Leno
“It turns out that Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with his youngest wife. So if we hadn’t killed him, his oldest wife would have.” – Conan O’Brien
“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He’d been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up.” – David Letterman
“Pakistan is still saying they didn’t know bin Laden was hiding there. He wasn’t hiding there. He was living there. Look at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here’s his restaurant, Osama bin Laden’s, downtown, and here he is getting a star on the Islamabad Walk of Fame.” – Jay Leno
“Stop saying ‘we’ got Osama. ‘We’ didn’t do anything. ‘We’ were watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ and eating Funions in our sweatpants. Seal Team 6 did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing; that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So it was a joint Navy Seals/People’s Bank of China/grandchildren operation.” – Bill Maher
“They say the Navy Seals had attack dogs with titanium fangs; that they replaced their real teeth with titanium. You know you have a badass black president when even his dogs have a grill.” – Bill Maher
“In the wake of President Obama’s decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden’s body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.” – Seth Meyers
“Sarah Palin said Obama should stop ‘pussyfooting around’ and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won’t do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right.” – Bill Maher
“In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama’s approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.” – Seth Meyers
“Now that it’s become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they’re good at. Because it’s not defense. 9/11 happened on your watch. And you retaliated by invading the wrong country. And you lost a 10-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden. And you’re responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak. You’re supposed to be the party with the killer instinct. But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi’s bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden’s eye like Moe Greene. Raising the question: How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass?” – Bill Maher
“The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Who might be Bin Laden’s successor? If they’re looking for someone with a large following who’s a religious zealot and hates the Jews… Mel Gibson?” – Bill Maher
“President Obama will be doing an interview with ’60 Minutes,’ and Michelle Obama will be doing an interview with Martha Stewart. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden will be doing an interview with a panda he made at Build-a-Bear Workshop.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal.” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton says he now supports gay marriage. It’s straight marriage he’s not so excited about.” – Craig Ferguson
“Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn’t really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn’t think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nut jobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers. And I know that’s true because I just got it in an email from Trump.” – Bill Maher
“Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” – Jay Leno
“50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he’d make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before.” – David Letterman
“First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric.” – Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL
“It’s just so great to be back on Fox News, a network that both pays me and shows me the questions ahead of time. I just hope that tonight the lamestream media won’t twist my words by repeating them verbatim.” – Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL
“The important thing for people to know is that I’m gonna be runnin’ for president every four years for the rest of my life. It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers.” – Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL
“As for boning up on experience and policy, I’m planning a trip to the Middle East, where I will be filming a cameo on Hangover 3, the third hangover. And I also recently purchased Rosetta Stone English.” – Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL
