“Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals.” – Jay Leno
“The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It’s for their own saftey. It’s to keep them from being high-fived to death.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.” – Stephen Colbert
“The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep.” – Jay Leno
“They said bin Laden’s wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, ‘Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden’s wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don’t you think honey?'” – Jay Leno
“A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he’s in superhell.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls.” – Jay Leno
“Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was ’38 of the most intense minutes.’ Which can only mean one thing: she’s never had to assemble a chair from Ikea.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea.” – Conan O’Brien
Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico defeating the French. Isn’t that like beating Sarah Palin on ‘Jeopardy’?” – Jay Leno
“I love Mexico. There’s a beautiful island off the coast that has more seals than Osama bin Laden’s bedroom.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . . ” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that’s what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people and straight people use the same putters. It’s really a matter of hole selection.” – Jon Stewart
